The be naughty list
by Vanessa Gillard
It’s as cold as Frosty’s snow- balls outside, and I’m sure many of you would like nothing more than to deck the halls with the notes you’ve written this semester. Yep, December, when perspective turns what used to be visions of sugar- plums and into just some tired, dusty prunes. Well, that is my enchanting take on Christmas, and whether you’re interest- ed or not I’ll tell you why: my birthday happens to be on the 28th of this, the ever-darkening and holiest of months. Yeah, that’s right, I’m mad at you Jesus. Like 2,009 birthdays isn’t enough, go ahead. You and Santa are such heroes.
Illustration by Courtenay Davidson This Christmas, get them a gift they’ll really enjoy. Just think out the application of it first.
• There is always one on the list, the eco-concerned friend who secretly eats at McDick’s, but signs 18 petitions a week so it all balances out. Why not get her a wooden dildo? It functions the same way as its black sheep cousin, and it’s almost fully biodegradable. Batteries included, splinters not an issue. • And how about that swinger friend who’s got everything — as in he’s hard to buy for. Swing parties can get pretty ancient Rome on you pretty quick, yet generally you can only trust those dodgy strangers to such a degree. The problem becomes: once you get all your clothes off and jump in the pile where do you put your valuables? The ankle cuff operates much like a money belt for nude people, it Velcros snugly to your person but doesn’t get in the way of your business portions.
• Like the sucker you are, you’re buying the3 hype and the jewelry for her this year. That expensive trinket will never compare to the kicks you two could be getting out of the Incognito vibrating nipple clamp droplet necklace. It’s a wrap necklace, the ends of which are supposed to fall around the titty toppers while the ultra silent vibrations turn her nips into fun guns, and yeah she is supposed to wear it out, it’s, uh, incognito. Just think of the resulting high jinks that will ensue when her beau’s Christ- mas gift starts vibrating while daddy passes the stuffing. No one needs to know…
• So, maybe you want to give your current one and only something that’s a gift for both of you, or perhaps you just want an excuse to get competitive in the boudoir. Look no further, love dice are the only way to go when you’re incapable of cre- ating that wily beast with two backs in more than one or two ways. Each die is labeled with six body parts and whatever combination you roll are then rubbed, smushed, or bumped together, whatever you like. What to do when butt-to-butt comes up? I won’t make suggestions.
• How about that audiophile in your life, constantly updating you about the latest, It bands and how Jack and Meg White are actually the offspring of Pat Benatar and Alf. The OhMiBod music-powered vibrator is an obvious choice. The vibrator buzzes along with the low fre- quencies of the music, and the mini vibrator interfaces with any MP3 player. Suddenly, com- piling a playlist sounds like a whole lot more fun, and listen- ing to Justin Bieber seems even more perverse.
• Everyone knows somebody who is in love with their vehi- cle. Having furniture construct- ed from milk crates, but brand- new spinner rims that play Fer- gie as the wind rushes by seems a little counter–intuitive, but who are you to judge? The Rab- bit vibrator, which has become a religious movement for many women, can now be charged in your car with the Rabbit Travel Vibe. It plugs into the cigarette lighter and is small enough to fit in the glove compartment. Side note: probably don’t use while ghost riding, or maybe just don’t ghost ride, weirdos.
• Really, why shouldn’t you get yourself a gift this year? I think you’ve earned it, so do what I say. Get the newest app for your smartphone, The Sexulator. As you may have gathered, the app allows you to record your sexual activities over the month and then calculates what level of sexual prodigy you are. One of the features that the creators boast about is that if you’re a guy and someone claims they are pregnant, you can look back and do the math. How efficient. They also inform buyers that this product does not prevent STIs. Makes total sense, “Don’t worry about those bumps babe, I’ve got a Sexulator.” Er.
