Breathe in, blow… in

Photo by Aaron Chatha. A blow job can be a great lead up to the main act, but in order for it to be effective, both parties need to be equally enthusiastic about it.

A post-secondary education is an achievement that you will be able to call upon for the rest of your days. This may also be said about other skills you pick up in university, like drinking, flirting and blow jobs; yep, that’s what I meant, sucking dick.

Perhaps high school had you giving or receiving “what gentlemen really prefer,” regardless of the practitioner’s hair colour. But was it more of a close your eyes and hope your incisors don’t wreak havoc kind of situation?

Being on either end of a fretful fellatio session can be awkward if one or both parties partaking don’t: a) have a clue what they are doing, b) know what parts of the bone need more or less focus or, c) enjoy the act. And much like a degree, giving good head can get you places in life. What? Just sayin’.

Many don’t like to wet the thistle (or haven’t), and complaints abound from ladies gathered around the brunch table, but sex is a two-way street. If you aren’t willing to go down with intensity, don’t be surprised when your half-assed hit-and-run roadkills the mood.

Dr. Sadie Allison’s book, Tickle His Pickle, chronicles the various ways that those giving and receiving might better enjoy the Boston cream strangler, and outlines methods to alleviate some of the less sexy obstacles to good oral sex.

If you’ve noticed an unappealing smell, have a shower with him beforehand. Wash his junk and have him wash yours, writes Allison. Stink extinguished, let sexy time ensue.

And, yeah, he doesn’t taste like a dollar’s worth of five-cent candy; if this really bothers you, get a flavoured condom, flavoured lube or even something from the kitchen, like maple syrup. Naturally, condoms are a must if you don’t know that the subject of your suction is S.T.I.-free. If you think his thingy is icky or weird, just suck it up, literally.

Now, rule numero uno — enthusiasm! Allison is very insistent that if you feel like it’s a chore, it will be, so own it, enjoy your ability to give and maybe you’ll get it just as good.

Make sure you’re in a sexually conducive position — for example, not bent over completely — and keep your hair out of your face. Men are visually and aurally stimulated, so let him see you. Keep a glass of something wet nearby to make sure your mouth stays adequately moist, and use flavoured lube if you’ve got it.

Once he’s pitched pegs and poles, begin the tete-a-tete by licking various parts of the head and shaft. Slowly take the head in your mouth and then the length as far as you feel comfortable. When you get back to the top pull his penis out with a bit of sucking noise; remember, he likes to look and hear as well. Take the base of the shaft in your hand and use it to stimulate the bottom while you suck the top and head.

Worried about your teeth? Porn star Jenna Jameson says if you push him mostly into the bottom of your mouth and tongue, with your tongue sticking slightly out, you’re good to blow. But you can always push your top lip slightly down if you don’t want to take the word of, purportedly, one of the best teste ticklers in the world. Well, best in North America. Those Germans are freaky.

Ahem, moving on. Bring the hand on the shaft up to your lips and allow the head to glide through your lightly held fist and into your mouth.

On the up and down stroke, ensure your tongue meets the frenulum. This is the ultra-sensitive “v” of skin where the bottom of the head and shaft connect. Twist your hand slightly as it moves and coordinate your motions into one fluid action. Adjust speed and pressure as you see fit based on his reactions. If you get tired, switch hands and come up for some air, but keep up your stroke, it’s best not to stop dead. Maintain eye contact whenever possible, as this appeals to his senses and his ego.

And, finally, he will ejaculate, if you’ve done your (blow) job well, and it’s completely up to you whether you spit, swallow or take cover. Oh, and by the way, if he tells you it’s good for your skin he’s lying.

Good girls give blow jobs too, you know, but great girls give the whole enchilada, so ask him what he likes, or surprise him with some (gentle) ball juggling or pushing on his taint.

Oral sex can be good messy fun had by all, so if you like pearls look no further than the easiest necklace you’ve ever earned. When done safely and effectively, really, it’s a great opener for the main event.