The ‘Flec’s candy countdown

When it comes to Halloween, we’re all about excess.

Just as those who decorate their homes a la Griswold or show up sporting a self-soldered Iron Man costume are always praised, so are the people who hand out the best kinds of Halloween candy.

We can only ponder what people are thinking when they decide to hand out apples or toothbrushes to innocent kids who just want some chocolate. Are they simply clueless? Are they trying to make some kind of statement? We may never know.

Then there are those who hand out such good stuff on Halloween we question their sanity. What is that nice old lady doing living in a house made of gingerbread, anyway?

Either way, it’s easy to compile a list of the top best and top worst kinds of things to get on Halloween. In the end we could all just be grateful to get anything for free at all and be happy that people don’t actually give out “tricks” and bad jokes for Halloween, but picking apart the best and words kinds of things we get while trick-or-treating is way more fun.

Worst:

5. Raisins

Raisins are not candy; they’re dried up pieces of fruit — enough said.

4. School supplies

Mount Royal University president David Docherty admits his mother loved giving out school supplies. “My dear departed mother used to give out pencils,” he said. “Everyone in our neighborhood loved her to death, except for on October 31, because no one wants to get pencils at Halloween.”

3. Apple

Again, not candy. I’m pretty sure every apple ever handed out on Halloween has gone straight into the garbage.

2. Toothbrush

Getting a toothbrush while trick-or-treating is an outrage. I don’t think there’s a more blatant way to be slapped in the face on Halloween — except maybe being physically smacked in the face.

1. Propaganda

Other than the aforementioned non-candy items, the absolute worst thing to find when getting home from a long night of trick-or-treating are pamphlets advertising for local special interest groups. If you need members for your sewing club, advertise in the newspaper — don’t spam the loot bags of small children who just want a lollipop.

Best:

5. Pop Rocks

They’re fun, they’re delicious and they’re obnoxious — what could be better?

4. Glow sticks

On a few occasions, I was handed glow sticks instead of candy. Because glow sticks are actually cool. They’re a fun alternative, unlike useless junk like toothbrushes and erasers.

3. Rockets

I appreciate Rockets because they’re one of the most traditional Halloween treats. They’re the comfort food of candy.

2. Full-sized chocolate bars

I always wanted to high-five people who gave out full-sized chocolate bars or bags of chips. For quality treats such as these I made sure not to step on their lawn or bump into their Maserati on my way out.

1. Money

I’m not talking about receiving a few nickels and dimes to throw into my cardboard UNICEF box. I’m talking about people who literally gave out coins. They helped me get one step closer to buying that Polly Pocket I’d been jones-ing for.