Sex Column: Bringing out the animal within
Vanessa Redux
Sex Columnist
In light of Chinese New Year starting on Jan. 23 I think it’s prudent to let you all know what you’re in for this year — with a focus on sexy times, naturally. The Chinese horoscope is said to be thousands of years old and is based on a bunch of stuff that I’m sure most people agree is hooey. But, hooey be damned — I’m ‘gonna tell it like our industrious, soon-to-be-overlord neighbours would have us believe.
The Rat: 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996
Traits: Charming, sociable, resourceful, quick-witted, ambitious, crafty, self-serving.
The rat is considered lucky and this makes sense because, no matter where you are in the world, rat doesn’t usually make it onto any menus. In terms of pleasing your bedmate, fitting into small places is a big advantage as well.
This year you will meet someone insisting you use glow-in-the-dark condoms — be advised that these are novelty items and you will end up with a brood of little ratlings. Also stop squinting all the time people think it’s weird.
Sexual move of the year: The shocker.
The Ox: 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997
Traits: Resolute, strong-willed, ambitious, careful, patient, stubborn.
An ox wears its horns with caution, so they naturally know where they can stick them, and charging through the bush may be considered a strength as well as a weakness.
This year the ox will encounter new sexual experiences that go awry. So don’t be surprised if you get into an orgy situation and someone gives you the old in-through-the-out-door — at the very least gore them afterward and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Unless of course you’re into it.
Sexual move of the year: The reverse cowgirl.
The Tiger: 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998
Traits: Assertive, adventurous, independent, inventive, generous, restless and impulsive.
The tiger is not someone you want to fight with, but definitely worth a go in the bedroom. In any case, make-up sex is incomparable.
Tiger will kill it this year. However, if you should encounter any opportunities that seem too good to be true — tuck tail and skulk away. You will run into found money this year, invest in cookies and milk.
Sexual move of the year: Upside-down pussycat claw maneuver.
The Rabbit: 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999
Traits: Sociable, discreet, refined, shrewd, perceptive, sensitive, aloof.
Rabbits are dishonest in relationships and, thereby, are a bunch of sluts. Perhaps, this is where the term “fuck like rabbits” comes from. Rabbits are curious and make great partners given time and lots of lube.
However, this is not a good year for sexual encounters or relationships, so that’s the bad news. Also there will be a death in your life this year, but it will be someone you’ve been hoping would die, so good news!
Sexual move of the year: The rump thump pump.
The Dragon: 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Traits: Active, determined, confident, enterprising, versatile, scrupulous and lucky.
Guess what dragons? It’s the year of the dragon. The dragon is wise, but has an inflated ego. Don’t believe anything they say about their prowess in the bedroom.
Dragons are lucky this year, so go nuts. Be fierce and fiery, and if it burns when you pee then lay waste to the bathroom with molten dragon pee. You will get an STI this year, offer to give it to people’s ex-s for a nominal fee before you see the doctor and you will make a killing.
Sexual move of the year: pee in a cup.
The Snake: 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989
Traits: Thoughtful, wise, shrewd, intuitive, guarded, independent, sometimes lazy.
Snakes tend to live up to their reputation and be snakes. They are jealous and possessive, envious and testy.
Apparently snakes will enjoy a hearty dose of commitment this year. Snake, you’ll keep your eye on the door and take the first opportunity to slither into a better position — namely you on the bottom, you lazy jerk. Snakes will enjoy new job opportunities, but will have to temper the fact everyone hates them in the office by sleeping with the boss.
Sexual move of the year: The nose dive.
The Horse: 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990
Traits: Cheerful, popular, quick-witted, successful, stubborn, restless, spunky.
By nature the horse is flaky to a fault and will trample those closest at the first sign of trouble. You may also have bad teeth and large hindquarters, but don’t let the bozos get you down horse, you’re majestic and unbreakable and people like you.
Don’t get caught in your same-old relationship situation, shake the feed bag this year and bust into some green pastures. By which I mean get it on in a major way. This year you will meet a large man in a yellow hat with a little dog, don’t trust him… or have sex with him.
Sex move of the year: The rocking-horse mount.
The Sheep: 1953, 1967, 1979, 1991
Traits: Righteous, sincere, well-mannered, shy, gentle, compassionate, follower, pessimistic.
Sheep aren’t comfortable in leadership roles and will expect their feelings to take precedent over anything else. Stop bleeting sheep and grow some balls and maybe some horns too. Sheep are artistic and dislike a strained schedule. Get over it sheep, this is the real world.
If you’re prepared for a year of boring boudoir exploits then all’s the better for you. This may suit sheep just fine. But, beware sheep — if anyone asks you to gamble on a game of checkers don’t do it, this can only end badly.
Sex move of the year: Trip and receiver.
The Monkey: 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992
Traits: Quick-witted genius, clever, flexible, innovative, self-absorbed, charming, factual.
The monkey is a doer and as such they enjoy bragging about their successes, but don’t be so quick to throw that scat into the face of the world. Always the overconfident sign, monkeys need someone to show them who’s boss in that sack and otherwise.
Monkey you will need to be even more nimble than usual this year if you want to get up to your same-old hi jinks, your charm won’t get you out of a jam, but you may find yourself grooming someone you never thought you had a chance with as well.
Sex move of the year: The double-spunk dunk.
The Cock: 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993
Traits: Self-assured, aggressive, neat, meticulous, organized, decisive, upright, direct and alert.
Hey cocks! You are always happy when you are in the spotlight and never shy away from a fight. Strutting is a best-loved past time of yours. Cocks are best served by toning down their egos and shutting their mouths. In other words, cock: less cluck and more fuck already.
This year, cocks will have their asses handed to them. The best advice you could receive this year is be ready to receive. You will have urges to wear frilly clothing as well. No matter your sex, give in to your urges — it can only lead to better fashion choices for you my fine-feathered friend.
Sex move of the year: The upright rooster juice.
The Dog: 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994
Traits: Likeable, eager, intelligent, straightforward, loyal, passionate, just, hot-tempered.
Dogs can be proud and come up with reasons to excuse their behavior that make no sense, like when they scoot their butts on the rug. Be assured dog, people won’t always be thrilled to see you just because you’re wagging your tail and drooling.
This year may give you hope for your somewhat dismal sex life, just stop humping legs and your partners may actually respect you. The zodiac has some surprises in store for you in 2012, so if you end up at a club where you’ve been asked into a back room, go for it. Be a dog, dog.
Sex move of the year: Fetching clothes off the lawn.
The Boar: 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995
Traits: Honesty, simplicity, great fortitude, gallant, sturdy, courageous, loyal, thoughtful, glutton for pleasure.
The boar is happy as a pig in shit with generally whatever’s going on. Your attitude is appreciated and rare.
You will make a horrifying discovery about your personal fetishes this year, so you’ll need optimism. Fear not, however, an unlikely hero will arrive to help you through your time of sexual depravity and you will discover there are more freaks like you out there. Also, don’t swim in any body of water that isn’t muddy and doesn’t smell weird.
Sex move of the year: Getting porked.
