Sex Column: Flick her bic

Hello my pretties.

It’s been a while that I’ve been writing these little ditties and one topic that I have perhaps avoided is cunnilingus. “Huh?” you may be pondering to yourself. Better known as giving face, eating pussy or just plain eating-out (which sounds like a more expensive alternative to cooking at home to me — “I ate her out.” “Oh, I just stayed in.”) This topic didn’t exactly make me uncomfortable, but I felt as though I had no real expertise in the area, having only one twat and all. More importantly though, it was kinda difficult to get guys to talk to me about it. I get it, gentlemen — don’t worry.

Girls, on the other hand, are more than happy to complain about how unfortunate and just plain disappointing their experiences generally are. This is really too bad seeing as a large portion of the female population never ever cums via penetration. Some women I’ve spoken with explain getting the old oyster shucked thusly: “It’s like he’s trying to get through it with his face,” or “I dread it. He gets down there and it’s like he’s trying to beat it to death with his tongue.”

Tongue bludgeoning… eep!

I’ve heard of guys blowing on it intermittently or licking around as though they’ve no clue what the clit is. But, I’ll give credit where credit is due in the form of a quote from Jerry Seinfeld.

“You know there are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And I’ll tell you right now, as a man, we don’t know. We do not know, because to a man sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked ‘What did you see after the car went out of control?’ ‘I heard a lot of screeching sounds. I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end my body was thrown clear.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I know that there are many guys out there who do know what’s going on down there, and the girls who venture down south have the advantage of knowing their own terrain. But, be aware that there are also those of you who believe yourselves to know all that is tongue in trench, but you don’t. These are often the braggarts. This is especially annoying to someone you think you may get a chance to prove your prowess to because women are not all built the same and don’t necessarily respond the same way to the same ululations (OK, this word actually refers to singing techniques but it sounds like it works perfectly.)

It is often the case that a woman fakes it because, well, it’s just not going all that well. But hopefully everyone involved wants to get each other off, so there’s a lot of the-little-engine-that-could action happening. Well, shame on you ladies who aren’t giving a least a little direction to your partners. It’s up to you to let your partner know what’s working and what’s not, and if they can’t take direction — end scene.

All women are constructed somewhat differently and within that little nubbin called the clit there is a concentration of 8,000 nerve endings. This is a higher concentration of nerve endings than exist anywhere in the male anatomy. It kinda makes the oppression of women seem a little less shitty, right? Nyah nyah, boys.

According to Michael Webb — the face guru of the moment, he’s been on Oprah so he must be legit, right? — 88 per cent of women prefer “really good” oral to the old slip it in, and 40 per cent of women don’t enjoy the slip it in at all.

With this in mind, here’s a fast-and-hard guide to tongue titillation techniques and tips:

•  So muff meister, if you don’t like the taste or smell you might suggest that you two have a shower together first. But, ultimately if you don’t like the way a cooch tastes you need to get over it if you wanna get anywhere in the musky underworld of munching carpet. She’ll know.
•  Don’t neglect the first couple bases and those sweet nothings. If she’s wet when you get down there you’ve got half the battle won. Simply kissing ass and generally kissing before the trip downstairs can be as stimulating as anything else for this fervent female. This is also very important for your next move because when a woman is tense it is far more difficult to orgasm. Do what you need to do to relax her and make her comfortable.
•  Now, she’s on her back and it may help to prop her hips up with a little pillow. This will also make it easier for her to lounge spread eagle. We’ve all seen it, either in a movie or those totally gross chicks on Facebook with pictures of their tongue protruding through a backwards peace sign. At this point, you need to open the labia and this peace sign does an adequate job.
•  Now for the fun part. Lick the inner and outer labia, or “lips” for those who never paid attention in health class. It is key that you take your time and be gentle here. This will give her a little lady boner and prime her clit for stimulation.
• • Lick that clit! I’ve heard that it can be rather boring, but it’s called a climax for a reason. A friend told me he spells five letter words like S-T-A-R-S in order to stay focused and on point. There are a number of methods here but according to mademan.com, soft, but fast flicks of the tongue are the most effective to begin with.
• There is a veritable feast of combinations in the pleasure playground of pussy. Stick your tongue in the vaginal entrance and wiggle it around and then go back to the flick. A good indicator of when she’s gonna bust is when her legs begin to twitch or quiver, and then it’s go time.
• At this imperative moment you want to suck the clit. Place it in your mouth and lick and suck a bit, then let go and repeat. It is also advisable to insert a finger at this point; this should end your cunnilingus session with a bang, as well a few squeals of delight.

Caution: The clitoris is a magic button, but because of its mystical qualities you should not just focus on clit and only clit. Explore and try different combinations because that little knob can only stand so much tuning.

Hopefully this has helped all you muff divers and snatch sniffers, as well as ruined the term lady boner for all those who used it in any other context previous to reading this issue’s column.

Next issue’s column will be my last here at the ‘Flec. So, check my blog tyrranosaurussex.wordpress.com. If you thought it couldn’t get anymore outrageous, you were wrong, friends. And, on the plus side, there are so many more people to outrage on the ‘net, right?