5 ways to get out of Christmas

Holly Triebwasser

News Editor

So, you hate Christmas.

Good.

Now that you have admitted it, it is time to take the next step. Many people are not ready; they feel a sense of obligation toward the holiday rituals of their youth, needlessly clinging to a childhood that they will never, ever get back.

Some feel a sense of guilt at not providing mom with her standard Body Shop gift basket or grandma with a fancy new rolling pin.

Some have accepted that Christmas happens, and they will spend at least a $1,000 on whoknowswhat for whoknowswho, they will get a bunch of crap in return, their family will bicker, and it will all be over with little to show for it.

Some people genuinely like Christmas, which is weird.

If you want to go about extracting yourself from the whole gift-giving situation, read on. If you’re one of those weirdos who enjoys pushing through crowds of ridiculously slow-walking families in malls for hours on end, then stop. I know your kind; there is no hope for you.

1. Be honest

It’s okay to say, “Mom, listen, I love you and all, but you won’t be getting any gifts this year.” If you’re not that bold, if your mom is not that understanding or if you have some sort of guilt complex, that’s understandable — maybe just pull the whole ‘I’m a student and I’m really trying to save some money’ card. You may have to still get a few small gifts, but even a downgrade it better than nothing.

2. Don’t decorate

Yes, this is a strong tradition in most families and yes, Christmas trees look beautiful in windows and well-lit houses warm my soul as well, but if you want to escape this madness, decorating must end. This boycott may only have to last one year, but it will certainly get the point across.

3. Be indignant

Statistics predict that this year the average shopper will spend $856 on gifts, up 32 per cent from last year. Pre-Christmas sales in the US were over $500 billion in 2010. That’s a disgrace. Really. “Maybe you’re okay with losing your money and your soul, Mom, but I’m not.” Stuff like this is good to say.

4. Leave

If estimated spending will be roughly $850, you might as well find a nice five-star all-inclusive Mexican resort to hit up instead. Your family may not be pleased, but once you’re tanning on a warm beach, you won’t give a damn.

5. Donate or volunteer

Make a donation to a charity in a family member’s name. You won’t hear any complaints, unless you have a few asshats in the family (which, of course, we all do). Or, suggest doing some volunteer work as a family. Hopefully you’re serious, but if you’re not, hey, that’s okay too.

One thing that should be clarified: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with Christmas music. Keep listening, my friends.