2013 Sex Survey: Commentary
Lynn Don
Sex Columnist
Oh Mount Royal University, thank you for being you. Nearly 250 of you lovely students took part is our sexy survey and gave us some raunchy (and some not-so-raunchy) results which can be found in greater detail here.
What I think we can learn the most from this survey is that you guys have gone through some truly horrifying incidents during sex.
If you are one of these people who has had a mortifying sexual experience, at least you can take solace in the fact that many of your fellow students have had accidental poop happen during sex, or surprise periods, or queefing (one person described it as “queefs-a-plenty”), or haven’t been able to finish, or finished too soon — you get the idea.
At least we’re all in this disgusting mess we call sex together.
I was pleasantly surprised by the number of virgins who came out. I assumed that the topic of the survey (SEX) would put off those who haven’t had it, and was glad to see I was wrong about that.
Similar to the number of people who identified as virgins was the number of people who said they had slept with 20-plus individuals, so clearly MRU has both the extremes of not fucking and fucking lots of different people. Diversity, yay!
Bravo to the eight per cent of people who were fapping whilst doing the survey. That is some impressive multi-tasking. However, those who answered “I’m masturbating right now” on the copies handed out on Main Street concern me.
I hope my fellow editors did not see things that cannot be unseen — and by that I mean dicks and vaginas, and the people they are attached to, getting off on Main Street.
To the same number of people who said they have never masturbated: come on, just try it. Just try it one time. If you don’t like it, fair enough, but you’ll never know if you don’t try.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: how is someone else supposed to make you feel good if you don’t know how to do it yourself?
A variety of responses came in regarding the preferred “type” of partner.
Manly men with beards and tattoos seem to be very popular, which works out well because they are everywhere. Redheads were also a reoccurring theme, so clearly all this talk of people not liking “gingers” is bullshit, and they’re actually getting tail left and right.
To the guy who is “a straight male doomed to a life of being attracted to lesbians,” I have good news for you: you’re not attracted to lesbians, you’re attracted to who you think lesbians are. Stop watching so much porn, go out into the world and meet some real women.
Thanks everyone for ruining lots of childhood memories for me by injecting images of fucking into them. The most popular strange place to bone was the zoo. As if those animals don’t already have a shitty life, now they have to be on alert so they aren’t caught off guard by two awkward humans going at it.
For those planning a future zoo romp, keep in mind that at this point the whole place is probably just covered with semen. Put down a towel.
After that, children’s playgrounds were mentioned more than once, as well as the haunted house at Calaway Park. Do you know how many children have probably touched the wall your ass was pressed against?
Somehow that location disturbed me more than all the people screwing in and around churches and other religious locations. That actually sounded kind of hot…
The facial question unsurprisingly got some mixed results with everything from enthusiastic praise to complete disgust. In my eyes though, one response summed it up perfectly: “It’s all fun and games until it gets in your eye and OH GOD IT BURNS.” Can we make goggles in the bedroom a new sexy thing?
I was also impressed (though I shouldn’t have been) by the number of people who responded with something along the lines of, “if the girl was into it,” or “I’d ask the receiver if they were down.”
Consent seems like the most obvious thing in the world, yet I was still pleased to see people who thought of the receiver first instead of, “yeah, heh heh right in their face!” Although of course there were a few answers to that effect. Can’t win ‘em all, it seems.
For favourite finishing move, most of you seemed confused as to what a finishing move is, or seemed pretty content with just cumming period. Perhaps you people can brush up on your Urban Dictionary and learn a new move or two.
Some of the most creative and mildly horrifying suggestions were: flying the marlin, the strawberry shortcake, and my personal favourite: roaring like a majestic polar bear.
Keep on having awesome weird sex MRU; we need the material for 2014.
