Best albums for boning

Because a silent bedroom is an unhappy bedroom

 

Nathan Ross

Arts Editor

Martine Balcaen

Staff Writer

 

As Feb. 14 approaches, most gear up to commemorate the martyrdom of the late Roman Saint Valentinus. The rest of us celebrate in the jolly festivities of the pagan equivalent, Lupercalia, savoring the salt-cakes while watching the sacrificial offering of a dog and a goat.

 

Hell, who are we kidding? Feb. 14 is Valentine’s Day for optimists, Singles Awareness Day for cynics who think they are witty and Thursday for the rest of us, at least in 2013.

 

As you relish any long-honoured traditions, don’t forget the most important one. However caught up you may be in this strange abstract concept of “love,” don’t neglect to provide for the often gratuitously non-abstract concept of “boning.”

 

No, not corsets or osteology. This is an article about doing the dirty, the bad boogey, the dance of the mattress jig.

 

It just wouldn’t be a dance if there wasn’t a great accompanying soundtrack, and for that you’ve come to the right place. The Reflector has the most aphrodisiacical playlist for all you frisky fuckers. The sexy jukebox selections are split into a variety of scenarios, so you should have no problem finding some more worth listening to than another faked orgasm.

 

We’re in love and it’s profoundly romantic

 

As a couple with an imminent fear of clichés, you want your love-making time to be free of the hyperbolic pillow talk millions of others have already said to their lovers. In fact, this fear is so balls-deep, you’d rather not have to deal with lyrics you or your partner can even understand, or relate to, or throw together in a mix CD that no one else even thought of making (spoiler: they already made it).

 

Rest assured that unless you understand Icelandic, Sigur Rós has just what you need in Ágætis byrjun. Bumping uglies will feel far more awe-inspiring when you aren’t burdened with trying to express the depth of your rites of Venus via the English language.

 

In fact, frontman Jón Þór “Jónsi” Birgisson recognizes your need to have more than your run-of-the-mill album to express your sex with, and plays his guitar with the bow of a cello. If that won’t make you swoon in the sheets, it’s out of our hands.

 

Other suggestions: Swarms – Old Raves End, Slowdive – Souvlaki, Ef – Give Me Beauty or Give Me Death!

 

Making love like you’re Johnny Bravo

 

Wooaaah, Momma. You want to be smooth like butter. You’ve had this picture in your mind on how everything is going to go, and that’s a fine picture you’ve been working on since you hit puberty.

 

As long as they are breathing, you’ve got an angle. With your thick charm, nothing will get in your way of panties and briefs hitting the floor like there’s no tomorrow. But how can they be assured of your romantic prowess to the bedroom? This year, slather on the R&B like it’s the only lubricant in a desert of desperately willing camels.

 

They may not understand the meaning behind the trail of rose petals and the 80 scented fire hazards you’ve set out for the occasion, but the message will be received when they hear you tear one off as The Weeknd’s Trilogy shakes the windows.

 

Hell, you’re bold, right? Pull off a night with Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On and forever cement yourself as “that guy” or “that gal.” Don’t worry – it’s worth it – no matter what anyone else says or how much fun the rest of the world is having at your expense.

 

Other suggestions: George Michael – Careless Whisper; Barry White – Literally anything Barry White has recorded.

 

We’re having sex and it’s really awesome!

 

You two are partners in crime. You don’t go on dates, you go on adventures, because dates are for people in lame movies.

 

When it comes to taking the skin boat to clam town (or having a clam town meeting or a skin boat regatta, however you rock), wasting time Brazilian-waxing poetic isn’t your thing. Every flesh session must also be an adventure, with an exposition, a rising action and a climax.

 

Okay, you probably already know how those three work, because you’d still be stuck on Plenty of Fish if you didn’t. But do you have a finishing move? Hometown heroes The Dudes always have a finishing move, and if you deem yourself worthy, these sexual shamans will lead you through a guided meat-itation to find your finishing move.

 

Throw on Blood Cuts Bruises Guts because that was the album they built their name off of, just like this will be the sex that your partner remembers forever.

 

Other suggestions: Fang Island – Fang Island; Japandroids – Celebration Rock

 

Musical maintenance

 

Having music play while you’re ringing your sex gong is a nice feature that more couples should be taking advantage of. You’re getting stimulated all over, so you might as well give your ear drums a good pounding and get the full deal.

 

One thing to be wary of is that you don’t fall into the same, repetitive motion that a lot of songs with steady beats do. Thrusting, oral sex, foreplay, you name it — it will be a lot more fun if you don’t know what’s going to happen next.

 

With that in mind, if you have a background that is frequently changing pace and rhythm, it can be the perfect backdrop for you to get groovy to. Try throwing on Rush’s 2112 to make Canada’s prog-fathers proud, and keep the changes and surprises coming all night long.

 

Other suggestions: King Crimson – In the Court of the Crimson King; The Mars Volta – De-Loused in the Comatorium

 

Even bad sex is good, right?

 

Sometimes, you fall into a routine where sex just becomes part of it. The passion is all but gone, but for some reason you keep trying to convince yourself that it is better than no sex at all. Still, your heart isn’t into it as you go through all the motions with the steady rhythm of a metronome.

 

We’re not here to judge. Maybe exams are coming up and you don’t want the stress of any major changes in your life. Maybe it was only the thrill of sex that made it interesting before, but now you two know every part of each other’s bodies and just can’t be bothered. Long-term probably isn’t your forte.

 

Once in a while you might throw in a surprise to the flesh supper, but even that’s pressing it. Sounds like you need an album that reflects how much you want to get by doing the same thing over, especially if you can find out a way to win over your partner with minimal effort.

 

Clearly, the only album for you is Babel by Mumford & Sons.