Sex Column: Long-term relationships

If you’ve been dating the same guy or gal for a few years, or if you would like to eventually be in a long term relationship — you may wonder what’s going to happen to the sex as time goes on. Will it become boring and unexciting? Will it happen at all? Or will it get better and better as you become more comfortable with each other?

Any of the above could happen as you leave the honeymoon phase of your relationship. You may remember an article we published last year on the science of love, which said that six to 18 months into a relationship, your hormones level out and you stop feeling crazy in lust. If you have made it through this transition without breaking up, that’s a good sign of a lasting bond.

But what does this mean for sex? It could mean a few things. First, let’s talk about the negative:

Assuming you’re in a monogamous relationship, you’ve been having sex with the same person for several years. When in your early twenties you might feel like you’re missing out. Our society seems to condone “experimenting” — that is, fucking lots of people — before you settle down. I can fully get behind the idea of experiencing the dating world and fucking a new friend every weekend, but if that isn’t for you, or your partner isn’t up for an open relationship — then you are going to have to deal with the same dick or vag for the foreseeable future.

There are a million ways to keep things interesting, many of which you’ve probably heard before: roleplaying, new positions, sexy lingerie, sex swings, double fisting, etc.

If you’re getting bored with the routine, the most important thing you can do is talk with your partner. You can do this with a simple, “Hey, I’d like to try something new.” After being together for a few years I imagine you two have tried a few things already, but if you’ve found you’ve fallen into a rut, making more of a conscious effort to mix it up under the sheets might be necessary.

If you aren’t a great communicator you can go for the old show-don’t-tell method of sex, but if you want to introduce something quite out of the norm, you should talk to them about it first. I’ve said this before and I’ll probably say it again: nobody likes a surprise dick in their ass.

Though the issue of getting busy with life while in a relationship has been done to death, I will say a few things. There is nothing wrong with scheduling sex. It’s better than no sex at all and it gives you something to look forward to. Just stick to the itinerary if you do this — scheduling sex and then cancelling it is mean. Don’t do that.

I would also like to sing the praises of the quickie, which can be a Godsend to both a busy couple and a couple who doesn’t have matching libidos. Not matching up libido-wise is a common issue. It’s unlikely you’re going to shack up with someone who is always horny exactly when you are.

If you’re content having sex once a week but your partner is getting antsy by day three of no sex, a quickie can be a good holdover until you’re up for a longer session. Now, I don’t mean to imply you should be down for sex all the time and never say no, but the reality of a long-term relationship is that sometimes one person wants sex and the other isn’t feeling it. A quickie would come in handy here. Again, I want to reiterate that no one is ever obligated to have sex. Making the decision to get frisky for the sake of your horny partner is completely up to you.

Okay, we’ve talked about some possible long-term issues — now let’s talk about the positive.

The longer you’re with someone, the better you know them. You probably know what makes their toes curl and what makes their boner wither and die. You probably have a trick or two for when you want them to just cum already and it can lead to some pretty amazing sex, where you’re completely in sync and hitting every button. It’s a great place to be.

There are things you can do with someone you’ve been with a long time that you just can’t with a one-night stand or someone you’re just fucking. You can also let your freak flag fly higher and higher the longer you’re with someone. Your spanking fantasy might be too much to bring up on a first date but a few years in and the suggestion may be met with, “Yeah, fuck it, why not?” It also might not be, but at least they probably won’t run in the other direction at this point, because, you know, they have stuff at your house and you’re supposed to go to that family reunion in November.

There’s also an emotional aspect to sex that doesn’t get the proper praise it deserves. Having sex with someone who you’re in love with, and who is in love with you, can be pretty exceptional. And I don’t mean it has to be romance-y, cuddly sex (though it can be) — you can be choking someone out while you ride them and still hit that emotional level.

So even if long-term relationships have their troubles and sometimes require extra effort to hit the passion level that was once attainable just by locking eyes with someone at a bar, if you’re in love and happy, the effort will lead to some spectacular fucking.