A recluse’s guide to the holidays

Enjoy the season without leaving the house

Kyle Pura

Contributor

When one thinks about the holidays, most of the essential practices and traditions revolve around being social and leaving the house — whether it be spending time with others or having to go out and wrestle with all the other last minute holiday shoppers as you try and acquire perfect gifts for your friends and family.

But if you are antisocial by nature, this time of year can be tough. So how can you overcome it? With advice coming from a self-proclaimed recluse, the Reflector has all of Mount Royal’s anti-socialites covered with this quick guide on how to conquer the holiday season while simultaneously maintaining the ability to close off the big, scary world.

Shopping

Holiday shopping is the worst. It’s filled with excruciatingly long lineups and the gag-inducing odor that sifts through the air on account of the enormous amount of people who treat last minute shopping like it’s an Olympic sport – minus the post-game shower. What’s worse, there isn’t even a guarantee that the thing you need for your last gift is even in stock. There’s got to be a better way, right?

Shopping is much easier online. No shoes, no pants, no problems. Photo Illustration: Kyle Pura

There is: the magical, wondrous place called the Internet. Not only does it allow the opportunity to judge other people’s grammar, but it also gives people the means to shop without leaving their caves. It’s perfect! With a massive variety of online stores available — places like Amazon and ThinkGeek are great examples — you should not have any problems finding that perfect gift idea.

The best part is, if you shop online, you don’t even have to put on pants! (For bonus points, teach your cat how to sign for ownership of a package so you don’t have to interact with the delivery man).

Socializing

Another popular tradition of any holiday season is to spend time with the people you love. But, if you’d rather not spend time with them — or anyone else for that matter — they can easily be replaced with your favorite characters from video games, television shows, books, etc. Think about it: rather than hopelessly trying to find a potential date for holiday dinner, why not just play Super Mario Bros. and try to win over Princess Peach’s heart. The results will remain the same as in real life, but at least you can murder countless Koopas in cold blood to make yourself feel better.

Holiday dinners with the family are the worst. Hang out with Ash Ketchum or Han Solo instead! Photo Illustration: Kyle Pura

Instead of having to deal with your family members fighting and being stubborn with one another, you can watch Pikachu do that very thing with Ash Ketchum on Pokémon. At least that will be more humorous rather than awkward and sad. Why force-feed yourself to the point of explosion to appease your grandma when you can read about Merry and Pippin enjoying second breakfast in the Lord of the Rings novels? You’ll feel less bloated this way too.

The point is that fictional characters are just awesome and way better to spend the holidays with. Take advantage of that instead of watching your drunken uncle pass out on the pool table without pants on. Again.

Activities

No matter what or how you celebrate during the holidays, most activities include being in the presence of others — which is the exact thing we want to avoid. However, for every activity you could be doing for the holidays, there is a suitable substitute that allows you to stay within the comfy confides of your own bedroom.

Ditch that dreidel and grab a Beyblade instead this holiday season! Photo Illustration: Kyle Pura

Christmas carolling? Just bust out the old karaoke machine and belt out terrible renditions of Christmas music by Michael Buble. Spinning a dreidel? Eliminate that social tradition by playing Beyblade and “letting it rip” by yourself in the basement. Decorating a snowman? Decorate your cat Bootsie instead with ugly kitten sweaters and hats for a greater challenge. Keep in mind, though, that cat-decorating comes with a higher degree of danger, because, you know… cats.

Let’s be honest. Sometimes the holidays suck. But now at least you know how to get by when they do. So go forth, recluse army. Heed this advice and try it for yourselves. Just don’t come asking for advice in person. Please. Oh, and happy holidays.