Why you shouldn’t dress well
The perfect way to set yourself up to not be successful
Hayden Pattullo
Contributor
How you dress every day is a conscious choice. You can choose what shirt to wear, you can choose what pants to wear with said shirt, even not wearing a shirt or pants at all is a choice, albeit a questionable one for a regular school day. With such a wide variety of styles in the fashion world today, you have more freedom of choice than ever before.
Whether you’re into street wear, formal wear, sportswear, vintage, or any of the other numerous fashion subcultures, there is something out there for you. Keeping in mind all of the options you have when it comes to outfit choices, why wouldn’t you choose to dress badly?
You may be asking yourself “why shouldn’t I dress well? What are the benefits to making the lost-and-found box my only clothing store?” For starters, if you’re looking to drastically lower people’s expectations of you, you’ll be hard pressed to find a more proven method than this.
Wear socks and sandals to class and have your accounting professor question if you should be expected to know basic addition. Try your wellington boots with a pair of jorts (jean shorts), for an “I need an open book final exam” look. Match your rainbow-coloured shirt with some zebra stripe pants to make your roommates instantly reconsider whether they really want to make small talk with you.
Without the burden of attractive well-fitting attire to weigh you down, you can open up a whole new realm of clothing functionality. If you never want to need napkins again, dressing poorly is definitely for you. After wearing them for two months straight, the hardened fibres of your Value Village pyjama pants will confidently absorb any food material, from burrito sauce to Oreo dust.
If you buy/scavenge your polyester sweat suit two sizes too big, there’s plenty of surface area to fit all of the various colours of Dorito stains. So go ahead and carry around tater tots in your hoodie pockets. When you’re done, pull your hood up and take a mid-class nap. Because your professors won’t expect anything less when you look like you mistook your desk for the stationary bike in your windowless basement.
Did you know that there’s a proven correlation between wearing jeggings to a job interview and not getting the job? Or that studies show wearing board shorts to the bar reduces your attractiveness? But who needs those things, anyways? You’re in university, so no one cares what you do! In conclusion, don’t dress well. Don’t exude confidence, don’t get attention, don’t improve your self-esteem, don’t make yourself more attractive, don’t increase your employability, don’t express your creativity, don’t stop wearing Crocs and don’t stop dressing like your life is a Weird Al Yankovic music video. Seriously. Don’t do it. Because it just doesn’t matter.
