Be Prepared
Samara Hawkins
Features Editor
Stockpile alcohol: Liquor can not only be used to disinfect gaping war wounds, it can also forget about your miserable existence… and make the-not-so-attractive, well, better. We’re going to need to repopulate the earth eventually with the help of your carefully rationed and stockpiled beer, wine and spirits.
Swiss Army Knife: Make sure to get the super-duper deluxe edition with mini chainsaw and microwave attachments. Okay, so those don’t actually come on the pocket knife of heroes, but that handy USB stick is a great place to store your last testament and will. Bullets run out, but the Swiss Army knife is the gift that keeps on giving.
Photos and Illustrations: Vern McGill
Charge your devices: phones, tablets, laptops, vibrators, your GameBoy, whatever. No power coursing through the veins of the world’s infrastructure will leave you in the dark and likely bored. When you’re not trying to survive, you’ll want to entertain yourself with all the action-packed awesomeness of your downloaded games that you have saved for dentist office appointment waiting.
Textbooks: Burn those textbooks that you bought the semester before the newest edition came out, making them worthless. At least they will keep your sorry ass from freezing. The other alternative is to save them to educate the future generations about dead white dudes and their outdated and irrelevant theories on things like sociology and media.
Pornography mediums of the past: We’re talking smutty magazines. There will probably be an Internet outage, so you’re going to have to go old school when it comes to getting your rocks off. Hustler, Club and Playboy are all solid choices, even for the articles. Try to keep current issues in your survival pack — there will likely not be a high demand for ‘70s bush. Make sure to grab issues with pre-apocalyptic hotties, so you can trade them for survival essentials, like antibiotics.
Bacon: Mother Nature’s meat-candy. Other forms of life-sustaining protein are going to be hard to come by, all you vegetarians and vegans out there, and eating delicious pork is a hell of a lot better than eating your beloved pet, Mittens. Besides, you want Mittens to survive the end days as your loyal companion, right?
